I Have a Problem with Mickey Mouse

I have a problem with Mickey Mouse.  I suppose it was inevitable.  When you spend so much time with a person (or animated mouse) they’re bound to get on your nerves.

I know I shouldn’t make a snap judgement of him because I’ve never met him in real life (and nor am I likely to; he’s a figment of Walt Disney’s imagination) but he’s not someone I’d have as one of my dream dinner guests.  You know, when people are interviewed and asked that question and they say, ‘I’d have, erm, Stephen Fry, Marilyn Monroe, Charlie Chaplin and Peter Andre’?  Mickey Mouse wouldn’t be on my list.

He’s a complete egomaniac; everything is named after him (Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Mickey Park, Mickey Lake) and even though episodes are dedicated to the other characters, they may as well all be called Let’s All Brown Nose Mickey because that’s the subtext of all of them.

When they lose something (a kitten, a grasshopper, a lucky coin) he’ll say in that squeaky voice of his, ‘Oh, it’s getting away!  Let’s quickly call for Toodles!’  Oh FOR F***’S SAKE!  Just chase after it, knob head!

His ego won’t allow him just to quietly choose a Mouseketool to help him, though.  Oh no.  EVERYONE has to shout for Toodles because Mickey Mouse says so.  Then he asks the viewers to join in (what that mouse won’t do to get attention) and meanwhile the bloody thing is getting further and further away.

Just f***ing pick one!’ I feel like shouting at the TV.  ‘It’s obviously the Handy Helper if you need to grab something!  You’re not going to catch it with a f***ing glue stick or bouncy ball, are you?

Who says, ‘You betcha!’ anyway?  It makes me want to smack him on his big animated nose and he does that annoying laugh after nearly everything he says.  NO-ONE likes someone who laughs at their own jokes (with the exception of Billy Connolly, maybe).

He does it when someone says something stupid, too.  Can Goofy help it that he can’t say, ‘Mouseketool’ properly?  Does Mickey-Mr Perfect-Mouse think it’s OK to make fun of someone with a speech impediment?  Not, big, not clever, MICK.  No-one takes the piss because you can’t dance to the Hotdog Song, do they?  And you know what they say, how a man/mouse dances indicates how good a lover they are.  Poor Minnie.

Or maybe not.  Maybe it’s all an act.  You never DO get to see all the revolving rooms; it wouldn’t surprise me if one’s Mickey’s Red Room.  Bet he’s had Minnie in there more times than he can count on his gloved hands (ooh, gloves, kinky).  Mickey Mouse: The Christian Grey of cartoon characters; I can just picture him now, swapping those bright red shorts for soft, torn denim ones with Minnie kneeling at his unnaturally large feet.

I bet he’s a wham, bam, thank-you mam mouse, though.  Not a cuddler.  He’s certainly not romantic.  Like the time Minnie was going to the masquerade ball as a princess and Mickey TOLD her he was going as his prince!  Arrogant shit.  What if she’d wanted to ask someone else?

It goes without saying, then, that he’s controlling.  Even when Professor Von Drake was kind enough to lend them his submarine to find Mickey’s lucky coin, guess who ended up steering it?  You betcha!  And just because Donald wanted to bring a few ‘extras’ to the sleepover, Mickey got his Handy Helper to take everything away and made everyone have exactly one sixth of the clubhouse.  Two words – anally retentive.

Speaking of Handy Helpers; they do EVERYTHING for him, even answer the door.  Lazy bastard!  You don’t even work!  Answer your own f***ing door!  They clean up, make the food (apart from the odd cake baked by Minnie), they probably even wipe his arse.

He goes fishing, skiing, has a car, an extensive garden and a house with God knows how many rooms and yet he struggles to count up to ten and asks for help with colours and basic shapes; even my two-year old knows those!

Maybe if he’d tried harder at school and got enough qualifications to work for a living, the tax-paying public wouldn’t have to fund his extravagant lifestyle.  Maybe if he worked, he’d be a bit more down-to-earth.

Then again, maybe being famous for nearly a century has made him his money, like being a one-hit-wonder in the eighties and living off the royalties for the rest of your life.

Thinking about it, maybe he’s right to be up himself; he looks damn good for eighty-five, even if his eyes ARE a bit too close together.  Plenty of money, a bit kinky, confident and looks after himself (just not very bright).

Hmm.  I’ve changed my mind; I’d have him.