Total Wipeout

My husband and I took our three boys swimming yesterday…and it was like an episode of Total Wipeout.  It went something like this:

Obstacle One – Changing Room Cha-Cha:  In this challenge you must try to get yourself and two young children undressed and ready for swimming.  You need to prevent dry clothes and dry towels falling onto the soaking floors whilst simultaneously balancing a toddler on an inch wide bench to change his nappy to a swim nappy and help a pre-schooler step into swim shorts without any of you falling over.

Obstacle Two – The Locker of Doom: Obstacle two involves cramming two large bags into a too-small locker whilst simultaneously stopping a toddler from running off, a pre-schooler from slipping on the wet floor and banging his head on the lockers and a seven-year-old from putting the pound coin into the slot and turning the lock too soon.  If this happens you will lose the coin and have to drag the bags BACK out of the locker to start all over again.

Obstacle Three – The Bikini Cling:  This involves (after queuing up shivering for ten minutes with three impatient children) going down a fast slide on a go-faster mat with a pre-schooler on your knee.  To be successful you must exit the slide with both your child in one piece and your bikini still covering your modesty as you are spat out unceremoniously at the bottom, legs akimbo.

Obstacle Four – The Wave Wedgie:  You are required to sit upright in shallow water with two under fours with the wave machine on.  You may think that the wave machine is gentler at the shallow end of the pool but you will be mistaken.  It will take all your strength to keep the children from being pushed over by the water whilst also keeping your bikini bottoms out of your bum-crack with each new wave.

Obstacle Five – The Drowned Rat: This one seems easy but please, don’t be fooled.  Your children will ask you to sit under a seemingly gentle waterfall and you will tilt your head backwards, enjoying the soothing cascade of water…at which point someone will exit the slide and the water they displace will come thundering down to pummel your head before landing directly into your laughing mouth and open eyes.

Obstacle Six – Dunkin’ Doughnuts: You need to keep your wits about you in this one and have eyes in the backs of your heads because at any given time you will be assaulted from behind by a zealous and sadistic seven-year-old.  He will place both hands firmly on the top of your head and lean with all his weight until you are completely submerged under water…and then leave you there for just a few moments too long.  When you come up, spluttering, you will have just enough time to take in a half-lungful of air before being roughly shoved back under.

Obstacle Seven – The Wrathful Wriggler: You have a five-minute head start for this round so prepare yourself because you’ll need every ounce of strength.  Despite your children’s five-minute warning, you will still be required to rugby-ball your wet, slippery toddler under your arm whilst he screams blue murder in protest of being made to leave the pool.  You will get through to the next round only if you manage not to drop him on his head, have an eye taken out by the sharp corner of a flailing armband or slip arse over tit on the wet floor.

Obstacle Eight – The Naked Press: Once safely inside the cubicle (if you make it that far) said screaming toddler will then attempt to repeatedly open the door in temper…when you’re buff naked.  Your challenge is to press your bare ass firmly against the door and remain there whilst you get yourself, a whiny pre-schooler and an apoplectic toddler dressed.

Obstacle Nine – Over and Under: In this challenge, whilst still naked and realising that half of your stuff is in the cubicle next door with your husband and eldest child, you will need to request items such as knickers, a sock, a nappy and all the shoes.  The testing part of this challenge, however, is that you will need to shout your request over the screeching and wailing of your toddler.  You will also need to guess whether the items will be passed over the door, under the door or just chucked to land on the sodden floor…or one of your children.

Obstacle Ten – The Damp Body Drag On: After wrestling with your toddler who has refused to let you take off armbands, shorts, swim nappy and towel by folding his arms and legs, holding his feet, screaming in your face, shouting ‘No!’, writhing on the wet floor, feigning ‘jelly legs’ where he refuses to stand up and grabbing hold of whatever item you’re trying to remove, you must then try to drag clothes over limbs that are still damp and unyielding.

Good luck!