Toddler Translated

I took the dog for a walk on Saturday.  On my own.  Without children.  I could hear birds tweeting in the trees, the wind rustling the leaves on the path and water trickling in the stream.

Who knew there were noises other than screaming, shouting, loud laughter and stamping feet?

I savoured it and dragged my feet a bit, knowing that the tranquillity would be utterly destroyed once I walked through our front door.

In hindsight, in addition to the usual chaos, I should have been glad of our two-year-old’s repetition of the following over the course of the day…

• ‘Push’ (when he wanted anything opening, closing, turned on or turned off)
• ‘Mumish’ (Mummy)
• ‘Beckfassh’ (breakfast, but counts for any meal or snack)
• ‘Towsh’ (toast, but counts for most foodstuffs)
• ‘Appoo’ (apple)
• ‘Hosh’ (hot – for the oven – fair enough, but also for the bath water – even though it isn’t and for food – even though it’s not)
• ‘Hoo tumping?’ (who’s trumping?  My bet is usually on my husband)
• ‘Tips’ (chips – his favourite food)
• ‘Horsshh’ (‘horse’, but for every animal he sees.  I’ve tried arguing but it’s futile, so now we just agree with him)
• ‘Ma ma’ (Mickey Mouse, his absolute favourite cartoon character, bar none)
• ‘Fader Kissmas’ (Father Christmas – for any man he sees with a beard)
• ‘Oo did dat?’ (‘Who did that?’  Hmm, I wonder)
• ‘Thash niiissshh’ (‘That’s nice’ accompanied by lots of kissing – usually when he’s done something he shouldn’t)
• ‘Bop, bop, bop’ (pretend fighting noise)
• ‘Ged dowww’ (‘get down’, usually to the dog.  He hears us saying it A LOT – but usually to him)
• ‘Wha’?’ (‘What?’ every time we say his name – usually because he’s up to no good)
• ‘Arri ma maaay?’ (‘alright, ma mate?’  Another ‘sweetener’ to avoid getting shouted at)
• ‘Oop, ‘oop, gangi’ (‘Woop, Woop, Gangham style’ – his song request every time we’re in the car.  Two words – rocking and dribbling).
• ‘Tan too’ (‘Thank you’ – I nag all of them about manners so they probably think I’m a repetitive bore, too)
• ‘Duse, peez’ (‘Juice, please’)
• ‘Macsh!’and ‘Dosh!’ (Max and Josh – his brothers, usually said to blame them for something)

…because when he WASN’T talking, this is what he was doing instead:

• Dragging a chair to the medicine cupboard, taking the safety top off the Calpol and swigging from the bottle (luckily my husband caught him before he took another).
• Opening some hand cream and smearing half a tube through his hair and all over his face and hands, the table and his brother’s Nabi tablet.
• Turning off the TV that everyone was watching and turning on the one that no-one was.
• Turning on the empty tumble dryer and turning off the full washing machine mid-cycle (at the plug).
• Putting the salt and pepper in the microwave and turning it on.  Twice.
• Pinching chips from his brothers’ plates (I did say they were his favourite and they always taste better when they’re not your own).
• Feeding ‘illegal’ food to the dog and laughing hysterically.

There’s another word in our little cherub’s vocabulary that I haven’t mentioned and that he also says a lot.  ”Orry!’

Now he just needs to learn how to look like he means it 🙂