The World at Seven

Who’d have thought that a thirty five year old woman sat naked in the bath colouring her hair and a seven year old boy sat on the toilet having a poo could put the world to rights?

Well last night, my eldest son and I did exactly that.

We covered all the major topics in a sort of ‘stream of consciousness’ way, where one subject ran seamlessly into the next (for my son, anyway.  I didn’t always immediately follow his thought process but then, he is a bloke):

• Chemistry – ‘Mum, why do you colour your hair?’  ‘Because it covers the grey hairs that I’ve started to get.’  Josh:  ‘I understand now, it’s because you don’t want to look old, do you mum?’

That’s right, and now would be the time for you to tell me…

• Old people – ‘Thirty five’s not THAT old, mum.  Some people live until they’re 100!  Now THAT’S old.’  Bless his little cotton socks for trying to make me feel better, but I could have done without so much emphasis on the ‘that’.

But speaking of old people…

• The human body – ‘Old people don’t need to drink and eat because they don’t really move around that much, do they?’.  Me: ‘Well, they need to have some food and water, otherwise their joints and their brains wouldn’t work properly.’ Josh:  ‘Yeah, and then they’d DIE!’  Try not to sound quite so cheerful about it, son.  Some people might think it’s a tad creepy.

But while we’re on food and drink…

• Food as fuel – ‘I ate LOTS of tea, didn’t I?  I think I’m going to be greedy when I’m older.’  Me: ‘It’s not greedy if you only eat when you’re hungry.’  Josh: ‘Yeah, and I’ve had a big plateful so I’m not hungry now…I won’t even need any supper!  (Pause)  ‘Well, I might still be a little bit hungry…’  Yep, we’ll definitely need to remortgage in a few years’ time to pay for food.

And if I’m not mistaken, this topic will lead to…

• Digestion – ‘It’s really weird though, mum.  In the day I have a six pack, then I eat my tea and I go fat (demonstrates by showing me his tummy) and then I have a poo and I have a six pack again!’.  A-maz-ing.

Talking about bodily excretions…

• Germs – Me: ‘I wish my nose would stop running.’  (Josh passes me some loo roll to blow my nose.)  ‘Here, mum, I’ll put it down the toilet for you.’ Me: ‘It’s OK, sweetheart, I’ll do it.’  Josh:  ‘I know I might get snot on my hands but I don’t mind mum, honest.’  Now THAT’S what you call love and devotion (and a complete disregard for personal hygiene).

And on the subject of looking after me…

• Safety – ‘Mum, be careful of dropping your Kindle in the water.  You might get electrocuted.’  No danger of that, son, with you here to keep me company for THE FULL THIRTY MINUTES that I’ve been colouring my hair.

Who needs rest, relaxation, a long soak in the bath and a quiet half hour with a book when you can cover such varied and colourful subjects in the comfort of your own bathroom?  Not me, that’s for sure!

(Please, God, let the next house have an en suite with a locking door) 🙂