The Match

Deep, American voiceover:  ‘LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!  BOYS AND GIRLS!  IT’S THE MOMENT YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!  SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET’S GET ON WIIIITTHH…THE MAAAATTTCH!

IN THE RED CORNER, IIIIITT’SSS…DISTRESSED HOUSEWIFE!’ (‘The Eye of the Tiger’ music starts to play and Distressed Housewife emerges from backstage, attempting a few half-hearted air punches but lacking any real energy.  Other tired mums in the audience show their solidarity by doing ‘thumbs up’ signs and showing weak smiles, but you get the impression that this isn’t the contestant they have secretly backed.)

She is dressed in her battle uniform of jeans smeared with chocolate, mud-splattered boots and a snot-trailed jumper bearing the slogan, ‘Keep Calm and Carry On Drinking’.

She hauls herself into the ring and slumps wearily onto her chair in the red corner.  Someone holds a straw to her lips and she slugs heavily from a bottle of Chardonnay.

Voiceover:  ‘IN THE BLUE CORNER, IIIIIITT’SSS THE TODDLER!’ (‘The Hotdog Song’ from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse begins to play and The Toddler emerges to deafening whooping and screaming from the audience.  You can see money exchanging hands and it is clear who the favourite is to win).

The Toddler is dressed in just a nappy and some trainers but you can tell by the mischievous smile on his face that he means business.  He totters adorably into the ring and the audience gives a collective ‘aahh’ before resuming their betting.

He trots confidently over to the blue corner and draws heavily on a bottle of warm milk before wiping the white moustache away with the back of a dimpled hand.

‘ROUND ONE!  OH, DISTRESSED HOUSEWIFE IS WASTING NO TIME AT ALL!  SHE’S GOING TO TRY AND GET THE TODDLER DRESSED!  HE’S NOT KEEN ON THE IDEA THOUGH, AND LETS HER KNOW WITH A SWIFT KICK TO THE SOLAR PLEXUS.

DISTRESSED HOUSEWIFE DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN BUT SHE’S NOT GIVING IN.  OH, NICE MOVE!  SHE’S WAITED UNTIL HE’S STARTED LASHING OUT WITH HIS ARMS AND THEN SHOVED THEM INTO HIS VEST, QUICKLY FOLLOWED BY HIS TOP.

THE TODDLER’S NOT HAPPY!  SHE GOES IN WITH THE TROUSERS BUT HE STARTS FURIOUSLY COMMANDO CRAWLING ACROSS THE RING.  WILL SHE CATCH HIM?  OH, SHE DOES, AND IT’S ON WITH THE TROUSERS.

ROUND ONE GOES TO…DISTRESSED HOUSEWIFE! (Some scattered, unenthusiastic applause).

‘ROUND TWO (DING DING).  WHAT’S THIS I HEAR?  DISTRESSED HOUSEWIFE IS ATTEMPTING THE NURSERY RUN WITH A TODDLER IN THE THROES OF TERRIBLE TWOS?  SHE’S A BRAVE LADY, THAT’S ALL I CAN SAY!

OH, IT STARTS WELL.  HE’S HOLDING HANDS NICELY BUT I SUSPECT HE’S ABOUT TO USE HIS SIGNATURE MOVE.  YEP, THERE IT IS: ‘TUDDLE, MUMMY.’  WILL DISTRESSED HOUSEWIFE GIVE IN AND CARRY HIM?

NO.  SHE WILL NOT.  UH-OH, TO RETALIATE HE’S DOING THE CLASSIC ‘STANDING AND REFUSING TO GO ANYWHERE.’  HOW WILL DISTRESSED HOUSEWIFE DEAL WITH THIS ONE, I WONDER?

OH HO! SHE’S COUNTER-ATTACKING BY SAYING ‘BYE’ AND WALKING AWAY.  WHO WILL GIVE IN FIRST?  IT’S A TENSE MOMENT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

THE TODDLER STANDS HIS GROUND BUT DISTRESSED HOUSEWIFE IS IN NO MOOD FOR MESSING.  SHE’S RUGBY BALLED HIM UNDER HER ARM!  LISTEN TO THOSE SCREAMS, PEOPLE!  THE EMBARRASSMENT THAT DISTRESSED HOUSEWIFE IS FEELING IS PALPABLE!

SHE’S GOT HIM TO THE CAR BUT SHE’S EXHAUSTED.  I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF THIS SHE CAN TAKE.  OH, AND THE TODDLER ISSUES A HEFTY KICK TO THE KNEE-CAP FOR HER EFFORTS.

I DECLARE ROUND TWO…A DRAW.

SO, IT’S ALL ON ROUND THREE.  IT’S THE BIGGY.  DISTRESSED HOUSEWIFE IS PUTTING THE TODDLER DOWN FOR A NAP. I KNOW!  GOD JUST LOVES A TRIER!

HE SEEMS WILLING, BUT HE’S LURED HER INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY BEFORE. OH, AND HE’S OUT OF BED BEFORE SHE EVEN GETS DOWNSTAIRS.  SHE’S TRYING NOT TO LET IT FLUSTER HER, BUT THE BOY’S PERSISTENT.

(…Two hours later.  Many of the audience members are asleep or tweeting and texting on their phones).

RIGHT, DISTRESSED HOUSEWIFE IS ON HER 437TH ATTEMPT TO GET THE TODDLER TO SLEEP.  WILL SHE SUCCEED THIS TIME?  HE’S SHOWING NO SIGNS OF WEAKNESS, UNLIKE DISTRESSED HOUSEWIFE.

SHE GETS HIM TO THE BED AND REMOVES ALL THE TOYS HE’S BEEN SQUIRRELLING AWAY THERE…AND THEN HE ASKS FOR A DRINK OF WATER.  LOOKS LIKE THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW. DISTRESSED HOUSEWIFE SLUMPS TO THE FLOOR AND LET ME TELL YOU, THAT LADY IS NOT GETTING UP.

(The audience members wake as the Compere begins the countdown): 1…2…3…4…5….6…7…8…9…10.  IT’S A KNOCKOUT!  THE WINNER OF ROUND THREE AND THE MATCH IS…THE TODDLER!  (The toddler steps over Distressed Housewife lying prostrate on the floor to receive his prize of a bag of Magic Stars.  He tucks in calmly amid deafening cheers and clapping).

‘NOW, SOMEONE WAFT A BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE UNDER THAT WOMAN’S NOSE, FOR GOODNESS SAKE…’

Happy Friday, everyone! 🙂