The Hell of School Holidays

A rewrite of Hotel California by The Eagles, about my feelings towards the impending summer holidays:

In the deserted school yard with tumble weed passing by,

The shadow of my impending doom makes me want to cry.

Up ahead in the distance, I see my freedom take flight,

My head pounds and my hands tremble,

It’s not a thing I can fight.

There they stand in the doorway,

I hear the school bell

And I am thinking to myself,

‘This sure isn’t heaven, this will be hell.’

Then the kids start to file out and my knees wobble and shake,

Teachers’ voices down the corridor,

Laughing, I hear them say…

Welcome to the hell of school holidays,

Such a stressful time (such a stressful time)

Time to drink some wine.

Plenty of rows in the hell of school holidays,

Six whole weeks of gloom (six whole weeks of gloom)

Find a darkened room.

My mind is twisted by panic, what the shit will I do?

I need to find a pretty, pretty beach in Timbuktu.

And we’ll have to re-mortgage just to pay for it all.

Maybe I can raise money by selling my soul?

So I called to my husband,

‘Please, bring me my wine.’

He said it’s only eight-thirty am, maybe wait until nine?

But I still hear voices calling from far away,

‘Mum I’m bored, what are we doing today?’

Repeated ’til I say…

Welcome to the hell of school holidays

Such a stressful time (such a stressful time)

Time to drink some wine.

Going ga-ga in the hell of school holidays,

You will hear my cries (hear my cries)

And see my tearful eyes.

Scrape me off the ceiling,

Pick me up off the floor.

The kids say, ‘Mum, you are a prisoner here. What’s with the tic in your jaw?’

And amidst all the debris,

The clamouring and fights,

Watching Peppa Pig on loop

I rock and wait for the night.

Last thing I remember, I was

Hiding up in the loo.

I heard the stair gate creaking,

Well there goes my peaceful poo.

‘Chillax’ said my eldest,

Bursting in, ‘I need a wee.

You’ve got all this until September,

I’m starving.  What’s for tea?’

(Instrumental)