The Dukes of Hazzard

I use my blog to mainly talk about my children, my husband and family life but I’ve been shamed into having a rethink. Yesterday I posted a picture of me looking horribly red-faced and sweaty following a run that nearly killed me.  A few friends commented on my appearance but one spotted our cat in the background of the picture and demanded to know more about him and why he’s been so neglected in my writing.

As a result I’ve decided I’m going to profile my cat (I suspect I’m not using my time quite as ‘constructively’ as I could) so you can get to know him and all his little idiosyncrasies better.

So, without further ado, this is Luke (named after one of the cousins in The Dukes of Hazzard because my husband and I were children of the eighties.  Luke’s sister, who also belongs to us but chooses to live a more ‘feral’ lifestyle is called ‘Bo’, naturally, after the other cousin called ‘Beau’…who was male.  See?  Makes perfect sense).

(Cue elevator music): This fine feline is ten in cat years, which makes him…middle-aged (I don’t know how many years there are to a cat year; I know with dogs it’s seven).  He’s not only a handsome devil but a Pisces (I think) who, according to his horoscope ‘avoids feeling alone and instead feels connected to others and the world at large.’  I’d like to vouch for his being good company but I’d personally say that Luke doesn’t give a shit about being connected to others as long as someone feeds him and he has a warm, dry place to sleep.

Partial to the odd tin of tuna, Luke’s other interests consist of making paw prints on clean glass, decapitating birds and hissing at over-zealous dogs, rendering them temporarily frozen in fear.

Pisceans are known to have ‘erratic energy levels’; Luke’s are generally less ‘erratic’, more…’low’…unless it’s raining and he’s outside, then he turns into a cat possessed, often falling off the windowsill in his haste to get back inside to the warmth.  Those of a generous constitution would class him as ‘laid-back’.  Those less generous, a ‘lazy bastard’.

It is true to say that Luke is a true Piscean, often torn between two paths in life.  Indeed, the constant battle between eating and sleeping rages within him each day, sometimes rendering him almost too weak to pester for food.  Almost.

Our Luke is a proud figure of a cat, with beautiful tortoise-shell fur and a strong masculine face.  He is only made more ‘loveable’ by the lack of definition in the rest of his body, symbolic of his pampered and stress-free lifestyle.

Luke has a pleasant (indifferent?) temperament.  He enjoys being stroked and is usually patient around children but, ever the Piscean, he is simultaneously ‘saint and sinner’ so he may nuzzle for a stroke but he’s just as likely to lash out if so inclined, turning every day into a (slightly scary and unsure) lottery.  Why?  Because he can, that’s why.

Pisceans are incredibly resilient and adaptable which is very characteristic of Luke; he took the introduction of children into his home completely in his stride (unlike his sister)…or maybe he’s just too idle to find somewhere else to live.  As a ‘born leader’ Luke is, indeed, ‘the cock of our street’ and resides over the pets of the close with an iron paw and a belly that could knock them into next week.  They quiver and cower in his wake as he struts past, his paunch gently swaying beneath him.

Looks are deceiving, however, for when Luke opens his mouth, he resembles the dog in ‘Up’ whose voice programme is faulty and his pathetic miaow belies his regal presence.  However, if other cats take the piss, they would be advised to do so behind closed doors, because he’s well ‘ard.

If it was up to Luke, he may well be looking for rampant, no-strings sex in a partner but as he was castrated at a young age he will have to make do with companionship and maybe a quick, non-penetrative fondle.

I’d like to say he has a GSOH but, truth be told, I think he only ever laughs on the inside.  In conclusion, he is the Victor Meldrew of cats.  If you have a female cat who would like a self-centred, sometimes affectionate but more often grumpy cat who has fishy breath, licks his bum with relish and often sleeps with it all hanging out (such is his arrogance and security), then call the number below… 😉