The Day That We Had Kids

Ah, long car journeys with kids, don’t you just love ’em?  This is a description of our drive home from Cumbria yesterday, to the tune of American Pie by Don McLean:

A long, long time ago,

I can still remember how car journeys used to make me smile.

And I thought that when we had kids,

That they would sleep and do as I bid,

And maybe they’d be happy for a while.

 

Now long car rides just make me twitchy,

‘Cause squabbling kids always make me bitchy.

Bad news when solace is what I seek,

After an argument-fuelled half-term week.

 

I remember clearly that I cried,

As for my attention three boys vied.

The spilled drinks stressed me deep inside,

Coke’s sticky when it dries.

 

So bye-bye, reading Kindle in peace.

Drives me crazy, can’t be lazy ’cause my children won’t cease.

Near KFC’s Drive Thru they all took a wee,

Dribbling squirts of urine all over me.

Why couldn’t they just aim for the tree?

 

‘Did you wind your brothers up?

Clean your filthy hands, you mucky pup,

After you’ve wiped your nose on them.

Don’t take off your shoes and socks,

And please stop messing with the locks.

And can you turn your DS down real low?’

 

‘Well I know you like that grating noise,

And banging together all your toys.

If you kick my seat once more,

I’m gonna throw you out the door.’

 

I want a lonely, peaceful, soothing read,

But my children I still have to feed.

That’s what happens when you choose to breed,

And decide to have some kids.

 

I started sobbin’, bye-bye reading Kindle in peace.

Drives me crazy, can’t be lazy ’cause my children won’t cease.

Near KFC’s Drive Thru they all took a wee.

Dribbling squirts of urine all over me.

Why couldn’t they just aim for the tree?

 

Now for eight years we’ve not been on our own,

The stress of car journeys has grown and grown.

That’s how it’ll always be.

Telling vulgar tales of wee and poo,

Is all our offspring want to do,

Or mimicking the voices of you and me.

 

Oh and winding all the windows down,

On motorways so sound is drowned.

Eardrums were perforated,

Whilst little boys were berated.

 

And while crisps bags were passed back and forth,

Mum and dad vowed they’d not have a fourth.

And for the snip they praised the Lord.

Because it meant no more kids.

 

I was sobbin’, bye-bye reading Kindle in peace.

Drives me crazy, can’t be lazy ’cause my children won’t cease.

Near KFC’s Drive Thru they all took a wee.

Dribbling squirts of urine all over me.

Why couldn’t they just aim for the tree?

 

Driving homebound in a summer swelter,

They used their coats as a DS shelter.

And started falling out fast.

The DS landed on the floor,

They were banned from playing anymore,

And a tic started in my jaw.

 

Then the stale car air smelt of rancid guff,

As if I hadn’t had enough.

I was trying not to gag,

Oh, but those boys just sat and laughed.

 

Then the toddler tried to take off his belt,

Any remnants of patience began to melt.

Psycho mummy was revealed,

The day we drove with kids.

 

I started sobbin’, bye-bye reading Kindle in peace,

Drives me crazy, can’t be lazy ’cause my children won’t cease.

Near KFC’s Drive Thru they all took a wee,

Dribbling squirts of urine all over me.

Why couldn’t they just aim for the tree?

 

Oh and there we were all in one car,

Kids annoying, adults needing a bar,

In a traffic jam with no patience left.

So come on, cars be nimble, cars be quick,

Their body weight in crisps might make them sick.

‘Cos Quavers are a parent’s only friend.

 

Oh and as I kept reading the same page,

My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No mother seeking quiet,

Could stay calm with all that riot.

 

And as the cars crawled along slow as slugs,

I fantasised about wine to glug.

Other mums laughed with delight,

The day that we had kids.

 

I was sobbin’, bye-bye reading Kindle in peace,

Drives me crazy, can’t be lazy, ’cause my children won’t cease.

Near KFC’s Drive Thru they all took a wee,

Dribbling squirts of urine all over me.

Why couldn’t they just aim for the tree?

 

I willed the boys to fall asleep,

So my sanity I could keep,

But they just smiled and rowed some more.

I turned up the radio to drown them out,

Good parenting it’s not, without a doubt,

But the voice inside said, ‘Breathe and just ignore.’

 

And in the back the children screamed,

The mother cried, dad turned deaf it seemed.

Many words were spoken.

The ‘not swearing’ rule was broken.

 

And although these boys I admire the most,

And of their virtues I will boast,

One day Jeremy Kyle will host,

‘The Day That THEY Had Kids.’

 

So I was sobbin’, bye-bye reading Kindle in peace,

Drives me crazy, can’t be lazy ‘cos my children won’t cease.

Near KFC’s Drive Thru they all took a wee.

Dribbling squirts of urine all over me.

Why couldn’t they just aim for the tree?

 

(Repeat)

Included as part of Actually Mummy’s ‘Wot So Funny?’ linky