Tell-Tale Signs of Impending Middle Age

Uh-oh, I’m on a slippery slope.  My name is Distressed Housewife, I’m thirty-seven and on Monday evening I went line dancing (with my mum – that’s my excuse).  Yep, that’s right, line dancing.  Not only that, but I actually quite enjoyed it.  Partly because I was the youngest person there by at least fifteen years but also because I was quite good at it.  Oh dear.  I’m proud of myself because I was good at line dancing.  Like I said, slippery slope.  Here are ten other tell-tale signs that I’m approaching middle age:

1. I panic if I’m not in bed by 10.30pm.

2. Going food shopping on my own is ‘me time’, leisurely browsing special offers on cheese when once it would have been racks of clothes and comparing price versus absorbance of kitchen roll.

3. I get excited about tiles…and laminate flooring…and new kitchen appliances.  All the things I clearly remember telling my mum when I was a teenager that I would NEVER get excited about…and calling her ‘sad’ because she was.

4. I ‘mum dance’ whilst I’m cleaning to classic tunes such as ‘You Can’t Touch This’ that are now classed as ‘retro’.

5. I worry about whether black eyeliner and skirts above the knee will make me look like ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ (I’m only thirty-f***ing-seven!)

6. I have a fringe to hide the wrinkles on my forehead because I can’t afford Botox.

7. When I tuck a top into my jeans I find myself tucking a loose flap of ‘mummy tummy’ in there as well.

8. I wouldn’t dream of going out without wearing a coat and worry when I see young girls that they will ‘catch their death’ dressed in their skimpy clothes.

9. As soon as I get in I change heels for slippers and preferably clothes for a onesie.

10. A busy bar is no longer appealing; I don’t care about a lively atmosphere, I just want to be able to sit down.