Superheroes

Of all the arguments that I thought I would have to settle between my children, last night’s honestly hadn’t been on my list.

J and M were playing Superheroes but M got upset because J wouldn’t let him have the super powers he wanted.  Don’t you just hate it when that happens?

I explained to J that because M was younger he should make allowances and let him have whatever powers he wanted; J’s argument was that no superhero can do everything and I had to concede that he was right.

At the point it became clear they weren’t about to sort it out themselves, J asked me that fateful question: ‘Mum, will you decide what super powers we can have?’

Never have I felt under such pressure, to decide which super powers to bequeath my children or have it held against me for evermore…

Their little faces were watching me expectantly, putting their faith in me as their mum, who brought them into the world, to make the right decision, to give them equal super powers that any superhero would be proud to have.

We thought it only fair to have two each so the first ones were no-brainers: invisibility for J and flying for M, of course.  Whilst I thought these were safe bets, still I waited with bated breath to see if I’d done good.

‘Cool!’ they eventually exclaimed in unison as I loudly exhaled and mopped my perspiring brow.

My relief was to be short-lived.  ‘What else, Mum?’ they asked hopefully.  This is the clincher, I thought to myself. If I gave one a power that the other coveted then World War 3 would break out and more importantly my wine drinking would be further interrupted.

Suddenly I had an idea; I thought of Skylanders (let’s be honest, they’re never far from my mind).  ‘Erm, how about…’ I started, stalling for time.  They smiled, their faith in me unwavering.  Please don’t let me f*** this up, I silently prayed.

I couldn’t keep them or my wine waiting any longer; I had made my decision.  ‘J, you can have fire and M, you can have diamonds.’  As their smiles faltered just slightly, I began to panic and improvise like my life depended on it.  ‘Erm, J, you can…erm…melt stuff…and…and…shoot fire…and…stuff’, I stuttered.  Then I waited.

His eyes lit up.  ‘Can I have fire rockets so I can fly too?’ he asked pleadingly.  I came to the conclusion that I could and would be benevolent in this fantasy world of superheroes; after all, it’s easy to be magnanimous when bestowing make-believe super powers.

‘Of course you can!’ I said generously, winning a huge hug and a ‘Thanks Mum’ in return.

Quiet up until now, a little voice piped up doubtfully, ‘What can I do with diamonds, Mum?’  But by then though I’d warmed to my theme and I was ready for him.  ‘You can shoot diamonds like Diamond Head!’ I exclaimed without hesitation.

‘Cool!’ was the excited response. I was on a roll. ‘You can…erm…make cages out of diamonds to lock up the baddies, too!’ I declared, enjoyed my captive audience and feeling rather smug at my imaginative uses of super powers.

Unfortunately he didn’t look too impressed by that one. ‘Can I have diamond weapons, Mum?’ he asked.  ‘Of course you can, Sweetheart!’ I said, desperately wanting to win back his favour. ‘Can I have a diamond rivet gun, too?’ ‘Erm, yes, I don’t see why not’, I responded, wracking my brains to think what a rivet gun was and feeling slightly disconcerted that he would only be happy if his superpowers were violent and probably lethal.

Before being let off the hook they wanted to fine-tune a few other specifications before the game began, so they could be completely sure of what gruesome ways they could slay their enemies before they had their supper and got changed into their onesies.

We decided that M’s hand could turn into any weapon, emphasising that diamond is the hardest substance known to man so his power must indeed be ‘cool’ (I’m so down with the kids).  J was only satisfied once he’d established that his power would allow him to turn anyone and anything into fire including himself like what’s-his-face from The Fantastic Four.

Then, as the condensation dripping off my glass showed that my wine would shortly not be at optimum drinking temperature, I realised my mistake; no matter how good my little superheroes were, neither possessed a power that could prevent that particular disaster…