Stealth Tactics

Now that J is eight it’s inevitably becoming harder and harder to keep him believing in Father Christmas.  He wants to and still does but is asking more and more complex questions about who buys the presents, how money exchanges hands, if Santa delivers all the presents or just some of them…

I’ve taken to interrupting him with the old classic, ‘Father Christmas doesn’t come to boys and girls who ask too many questions because he thinks they don’t believe in him.’  This is generally enough to stem the flow of questions but then he just suddenly appears out of the shadows whilst I’m having a private conversation with hubby, ordering stuff on the laptop or making a list that could contain incriminating evidence.

For such a noisy, clumsy child he’s surprisingly good at sneaking up on me, which makes me think they may have introduced stealth tactics training as part of his school curriculum.

So this Christmas I’m waging my own counter-attack.  Two can play that game…

• Identification of Objectives – According to my research (Wikipedia) I must firstly ‘identify my objectives’ – I must prevent J from discovering that Father Christmas doesn’t exist.

‘Tactics should be directed to achieve a particular outcome’ so my tactics are to avoid detection of any buying of items on their Christmas lists.  To do this I must: hide receipts, delete search history on my laptop, have items delivered to a different address (father-in-law’s) and conceal items in the loft before Christmas Eve.

We must not destroy the illusion that a jolly man in a white beard brings his toys on a sleigh pulled by friendly reindeer and replace it instead with an indelible image of his half-cut parents climbing in and out of the loft and turning the air blue with profanity as we set off a cacophony of noisy toys.

We also want him to continue believing that his presents arrive ready to roll. He must not be allowed to imagine his dad and I in our onesies, surrounded by a landfill’s worth of batteries, realising with only hours to the Big Day that the instructions don’t make sense.  Or even worse, that something needs charging up overnight so we’ll have to set our alarms to some ungodly hour to sneak downstairs and rebox/wrap it before they get up.  I also need to meticulously keep track of the wrapping paper, ensuring that Santa’s gifts are wrapped differently to the rest.

• Force concentration: ‘Concentration of effort is a fighting force’s edge. Once an aim is identified, earmark enough resources to achieve it and focus them on the task.’

Concentration and focus are certainly key.  It’s exhausting.  Firstly, the Christmas lists must be written.  Secondly, we go to a Christmas ‘experience’ where letters are sent to Santa.  Thirdly, they receive a reply from Santa through the post.

This must all be done in ‘real time’ and in order or J will suspect.  Only then do the elves arrive to play all sorts of wild and crazy pranks (oh f***ing hell, here we go again) and only after that can Santa send a personalised email video to say he’s got the lists and confirm they’re on the ‘good’ list.

Then there’s just enough time before Christmas Eve to rock and dribble in a corner before the chaos starts once more: tracking Santa on NORAD during the day and then making Santa’s footprints in flour, half-eating mince pies, crunching up carrots and sprinkling reindeer dust on the grass outside…

• Maintenance of reserves: ‘The maintenance of a reserve force allows a tactician to exploit new opportunities, or react quickly to reverses and unexpected developments.’

My ‘reserve force’ is my husband and ‘unexpected developments’ would be when the bike we’ve ordered for J wasn’t the one he’d chosen; he wanted a mountain bike and we’ve got him a BMX.  My ‘reserve force’ exploited the ‘new opportunity’ to convince J that a BMX would be better and stick the new picture on his list…

• Economy of force: ‘A common principle of war; the attentive commander knows that his troops, equipment and supplies must be husbanded and used carefully, only if there is a good chance of success.’

I’ve learnt from experience to be economical with wrapping paper and Cello tape; get over-zealous on the overlap and length and you’ll find yourself patching up presents with birthday paper, newspaper, printer paper and any other paper you can get your hands on and using masking tape to stick them together.

• Force protection: ‘Another component is the principle of security. A military unit or formation must always have sentries or reconnaissance deployed.’  In this case, my husband.  He listens carefully for the sound of little footsteps on the stairs whilst I wrap like a woman possessed.  ‘Specialised weapons’ consist of carrier bags to quickly shove wrapping paper, bows and gift tags, Cello tape and scissors should you get caught unawares.

 

• Fortification: The most important one if Operation Magical Christmas is to be successful.  Drink wine.  Lots and lots of wine.