Searching for a Silver Lining

Hmm.  What to write, what to write?  I’ve had a shitty few days but I’m determined to find the silver lining in all of it so here goes…

I had an interview on Friday afternoon for a job I really wanted….and it was a metaphorical car crash.  I’d prepared for it all week, had compiled a portfolio, questions, answers, a profile…and then blew it by turning up fifteen minutes late.

Being late in itself wasn’t the problem; I couldn’t find the new premises and no one I asked directions from had heard of the company because they’ve only just moved.

When I arrived, apologising profusely, the two people interviewing me said it was fine, it was understandable, they hadn’t put signs up yet because the move had only just happened.  The problem was that I had known I would be up against other candidates with more experience so I was determined that sheer hard work, enthusiasm, professionalism and interest in the company would win them over.

Unfortunately, because I was late, I had no time to go over my notes where I had prepared how to relate my transferable skills from teaching and was so flustered that my mind went completely blank.  As a result I ‘ummed’ and ‘ahhed’ my way through the questions I was asked and my answers sounded at best, tenuous and at worst, irrelevant.  Enthusiastic but irrelevant.  And very inexperienced.  And probably a bit desperate.

I’ve gone over the interview countless times since then which, apart from being futile, has inevitably kept me awake at night and spoilt my weekend.  Then, as anticipated, it was confirmed this morning that I haven’t got the job.  Turns out another candidate had the experience they are looking for and whilst I’m very disappointed, I’m not the least bit surprised.  Kicking myself, yes, but not surprised.

So where’s the silver lining?  Because the email I got from the MD was really positive.  He told me I have a ‘fab personality’ and ‘definitely the right attitude.’  He says he’ll invite me back ‘when the department expands, requiring a further member.’  Which is better than I’d hoped for as I fully expected them never to want me to darken their door again (presuming I could find it next time around).

At the moment I’m still annoyed at myself and masochistically dissecting every detail of the excruciating forty-five minutes.  I may even flay myself later.  But I know that at some point, I will accept and even embrace that even though I perceived the interview as a disaster, they still saw enough potential that they may consider me for interview or even employment n the future.

I’d like to say that I’ll get to the point where I’ll say ‘it wasn’t meant to be’…but I don’t think so; I just cocked up.

On a brighter note, I’ve made two people cry today, so I’m pleased about that.

It’s Random Acts of Kindness week so I’ve bought two close friends gifts with quotes about what their friendship means to me.  So at least now the warm fuzziness in my stomach I get from making their day is helping to overcome the bitter taste of failure that’s been in my mouth since Friday.

It’s also my husband’s birthday today.  This is a good thing for a number of reasons.  Firstly, and most importantly, we’re now the same age.  I’m a whole three months his senior so for three months he’s unbearably smug that he’s younger than me.  Today he can’t be, because he’s not.  We’re also having a takeaway and wine tonight (on a Tuesday.  I know!) and the children are staying over at my mum’s on Saturday so we can have an evening out.

So whilst I still feel slightly depressed, a bit worthless and defensive of my lack of career (I completely bit J’s head off this morning for thinking he knows more about grammar that I do – ‘I may not be good at much but I have been an English teacher for fifteen years you know!’ I may have announced dramatically and a little tearfully), it’s only a job *sob*.  I still have my family, my friends and my health.

Oh and wine.  I still have wine.

All the Small Things…