Royal Variety Performance

It’s a depressing thought that should I ever have the opportunity to take part in the Royal Variety Performance, say Her Majesty phoned me up (it could happen) and asked me personally to be on next year’s show, I may have to turn her down in the absence of any real talent.

In the words of the 80s Kit Kat advert, I ‘can’t sing’, I ‘can’t play’ and I often ‘look awful.’  Could I still ‘go a long way?’

I was having a conversation with a friend a couple of days ago, though, and was positively BRAGGING about how amazing I am at packing shopping bags, so maybe that could be my thing; a version of The Cube but for housewives.

Items could be put on a conveyor belt in a random order and I can guarantee that by the end all fridge and freezer stuff would be together and toiletries would be arranged according to whether they needed to go upstairs or downstairs.  Bread and eggs would be strategically placed for minimum squashage and breakage and I wouldn’t flout any of the rules about putting something like washing up liquid with yoghurts.  Not on my watch.  And they could time me.  Bring it on.

Now I come to think about it, I’m shit hot at changing bedding too, especially when a king size quilt cover is inside out.  Do I let it phase me?  No I do not.  I grab the corners of the quilt with the inside corners of the cover with a flourish and voila!  As if by magic it’s on the right way round and there are no droopy bits.  I can’t stand droopy bits.  (I don’t like it when the quilt doesn’t go right to the corners, either.)

I’m warming up now.  There’s LOADS of stuff I could do; I’m discovering I’m actually multi-talented.  What about the ten minute house blitz before someone comes round?  I’m a seasoned master.  I’d also challenge them to put me in a room with ornaments and pictures slightly askew.  You KNOW no spirit level or ruler would catch me out on that one.

Erm…er.  Yep, my roll has ended.  I think that just about exhausts it.  The only other thing I can think of is being able to spot an incorrectly used apostrophe at a hundred paces.  I’m wracking my brains though and I really don’t see how I can make that scintillating.  I don’t think that even wearing nipple tassels and crotchless knickers whilst riding on a unicycle could make THAT exciting for the viewing public. 🙂