Misunderstood

I’ve got a secret: my mummy’s not very bright.  She tries, bless her, but she really doesn’t understand what’s going on in my head.  I think I make myself perfectly clear, but she still seems to struggle.

When I say I want to get dressed, I mean at some point in the day but not RIGHT NOW, silly.  Right now I want to climb on my brother’s bunk bed and stand teetering on the edge.  Woah, will I fall or won’t I?  Wahay, bouncy, bouncy.  ‘No!  I don’t want to get down.  I’ll kick you… Don’t walk out of the room!  NOW I WANT TO GET DRESSED, AND I WILL SCREAM AND SCREAM UNTIL YOU DO WHAT I WANT!’

Oh, you’ve missed your chance. Twenty seconds ago I wanted to get dressed, NOW I want to run around naked saying ‘Watch!’ as I wiggle my willy at everyone.  ‘Have a wee’ you say?  OK then.  Well you didn’t say it had to be on the toilet!  Splash, splash.  But I WANT to paddle in my own urine, it’s fun!  You are SUCH a spoil sport.

Come on then!  Get me dressed.  I feel like it now.  But let’s see how well you manage when I grab my feet and curl up in a ball and shout ‘No!’ at the top of my voice.  Damn it!  The nappy’s on.  Note to self: Try harder when she tries to put your legs in your trousers.  And one leg’s in…and then it’s out again. And the other leg’s in…and it’s out again.  Come on, mummy, play the game.  Why so stressed?

OK, OK, I’m dressed.  We’re both red-faced and crying but we’re there.  ‘Tuddle, mummy?’ Wha’?  Why are you looking at me like that?  Ha!  I can always get around her when I ask for a cuddle.  Oh, but I’m thinking the head-butt to the nose was unexpected?  Bam!  Right between the eyes. Don’t cry, mummy.  ‘Tuddle?’

What IS your problem?  So I want to put on an extra three jumpers but not wear any pants.  So what?  I don’t mind going to Tesco dressed like this.  Go on, just try to put my nappy and trousers back on and just see if you don’t get concussed by my shoe.  Hurt, did it?  Well don’t try to make me wear trousers, then.

I DON’T WANT TO GO TO TESCO!  I want to run up and down waving a fork in my hand, or chewing a sweet or a coin of optimum choking size, or holding an expensive iPad, or a piece of my brother’s skin between my teeth (with the rest of him following behind).  Right.  I ‘ll just lie on the floor then.  Flip me over.  I’ll flip right back.  Pick me up?  I’ll scratch your eyes out.  Put my coat on?  Pah! I’ll take it off.  You can’t even keep me off the stairs because I know how to open the stair-gate, now so na, na, na-na, naaaa!

Struggling to fasten the straps of my car seat, mummy? Anything to do with the thrusting of my hips and my cute little hands trying to tear the flesh from your bones? Be warned, I can catapult myself right out of this bad boy if I really give it some welly.

What to do, what to do?  I’m strapped down so now I can’t switch on the lights and the indicators, press on the horn or let off the hand brake.  I want to tell you how angry I am but I don’t have the words yet (but just wait until I do!).  I can’t bite my brother because I can’t reach him so I’ll, I’ll…take my shoes and socks off and bite my own foot.  Owww! That hurt!  I might be crying but it’s worth it to see the sweat dripping from your brow.  I’ll take THAT as a victory, my friend.

Oh mummy, mummy, mummy.  Don’t look so relieved that we’ve reached Tesco (even though it’s taken an hour to get out of the house).  I’m SO going to climb out of this trolley AND I ‘m going to do it as we go up the escalator, just for added danger.

The only way you’ve a cat in hell’s chance of keeping me quiet is to ply me with food…all the way round.  I’ll half eat stuff, I’ll ask for stuff, wait for you to open it and not eat it at all, or maybe I’ll just scream because I like the noise.  It’s a lottery that you didn’t even know you’d bought a ticket for.

OK, so we’re at the checkout.  I’ll stop now.  OF COURSE I’ll say ‘Fank oo’ and smile cherubically when the lady hands me my Cheese Strings and ‘Ba bye’ with a cute wave as we leave.  How I behave when it’s just you and me shall be our little secret, eh, mummy?  Mummy?  Mummy!  You can’t drink wine now.  It’s only 9.30 in the morning… 🙂