Mid Thirties’ Crisis

I turned thirty six on Saturday, but looking at me today you’d think I’d just turned eighty six.

We had a great night out with friends on Saturday evening and then yesterday my husband had arranged for me and a friend to go for a pampering session at a local hotel.  We had a two course lunch followed by some time in the steam room and sauna and then we could choose two treatments, so we both decided to have a back, shoulder and neck massage and then a facial.

I laid face down on the bed as instructed, but having been full of a cold/hay fever for what feels like six months, my nose started to run almost immediately.  I didn’t have any tissues.  I couldn’t get up because I was naked except for my bikini bottoms.  There was a couple of minutes when I thought I was in danger of dripping snot on the floor.  Or worse, her feet (a bit like this clip from Mission Impossible 2):

 

Luckily the masseuse, whilst not catching the drip on her hand, did the next best thing and passed me a tissue just in time.

I’d been wearing my glasses in the morning as my eyes had felt sore (from falling asleep in my contact lenses on Saturday – oops) but I put them back in while we were there for convenience.  BIG mistake.

Too late, I realised that I’d probably given myself some sort of eye infection from wearing the contact lenses overnight and not removing my make-up (I was very ‘tired’ on Saturday night) and it started to feel as though I had a piece of glass stuck in my eye.

It was so painful I felt like someone was trying to gouge it out with a blunt spoon (or fingers) – not unlike this scene from Kill Bill, Volume Two:

 

I was pretty much writhing around like this by the end of the evening too (with most of the screaming but only some of the swearing).

I’d also managed to develop a humungous spot on my chin which people kept talking to, in the same way that they’d talk to my chest if I had big boobs.

In addition we came out of the treatment rooms to discover that the oil they’d used in combination with the hair band to keep our hair off our faces had given us fringes a la Cameron Diaz in ‘There’s Something about Mary’:

So, after a weekend of rest, relaxation, good food and good company (and without any alcohol last night and a 9.15pm lights out), today I’m looking GREAT.

I’ve got a red, swollen, bloodshot, watery eye (that I can’t cover up with make-up); a huge, pulsating zit on my chin (with more threatening to join the party), hair with a mind of its own and a permanently wet nose that would be a sign of health in a dog but is simply repulsive in a person.  Attractive.

I do so love being in my prime.  Happy birthday to me 🙂