Kids; Who’d ‘Ave ‘Em?

Where do kids learn their uncanny knack for making you feel inadequate and incompetent on a daily basis?

You give them four options for lunch – ‘Do you want tuna or cheese sandwiches, baked potatoes or cheesy beans?’ and they ask, with just a HINT of a sneer, ‘Do you not have any ham?’  (What was I thinking, allowing myself to run out of their favourite sandwich filling?  I am not fit to call myself a mother and will flay myself in private later for my negligence.)

You spend a small fortune taking them to a soft play centre and when you tell them they can have a snack to put them on and then lunch when they get home, they swoon dramatically like they’re about to expire, and pronounce loudly, ‘But I’m huuuunnnnggggrrryyyy!’.

They ask to play out when it’s raining or upstairs when little ones are having a sleep and when you selfishly say ‘No’, they say, ‘Well can we AT LEAST play with the Lego, then?’ (The subtext being, ‘Throw us a bone here, mum.  We need SOMETHING to do in this boring house!’)

You take them to the cinema (and pay nearly a tenner for yourself to watch animated, talking animals in 3D) and they still want you to remortgage the house to buy Pick N’ Mix, popcorn and a drink the size of their heads (that’s mostly ice anyway.  DON’T get me started), even with the promise of a Happy Meal afterwards.

You wipe the table before they eat there but you can guarantee that when they sit down they will notice the one remaining crumb and declare dramatically, ‘Eeewww, the table’s dirty!’ or they ask what’s for tea and then say innocently, ‘Oh?  Corn beef hash, AGAIN?’ (even though they’ve not had it for at least a week).

They wear their favourite item of clothing, get it covered in food, drink and grass stains and then inform you the following morning when it’s a party/non-uniform day/school trip that they want to wear it.  Then when you tell them it’s not been washed their faces clearly say, ‘Because you are lazy, slovenly and generally useless all round for not having a 24hr turnaround on clothes washing, you are basically ruining my life’.

On top of all this, they:

a) Don’t think it’s a good idea to pour whisky on their Weetabix before they go to bed to help them to sleep, blah, blah, blah (Didn’t do me any harm; hiccup, twitch.  Hiccup, twitch.)

b) Don’t think that sitting in front of the television for eight hours a day is enough and insist on BEING ENTERTAINED AND TAKEN TO PLACES!  I know!

c) Want to be fed, watered, warm, dry AND interacted with EVERY SINGLE day.

d) …AND they expect you to remember, not just their birthdays, but Christmas AS WELL.

Set of ingrates.  No bloody pleasing some people, is there? 🙂