Dear Santa…

Dear Santa,

I’ve been a good(ish) girl all year so for Christmas I would like:

• My eldest son’s other front tooth so he won’t look like Nanny McPhee any more and we can allow him back onto family photographs.
• A bathroom door handle that will issue an electric shock to whichever one of my children tries to come in whilst I’m on the toilet.
• A custom-made remote control for my children with an ‘attitude off’ button for our seven-year old, a fast forward button for our three-year old so we only have to listen to his original request and not the twenty-nine more times he repeats it and a ‘mute’ button for our two-year old until he grows out of screaming.
• An automatic, spring-loaded foot that is programmed to kick my husband each time he snores or when one of the children wakes in the night so I don’t have to go to the inconvenience of moving.
• A strong magnet that will attract my keys and phone each time I’m leaving the house so I can put the extra hour of searching time to better use.
• A washing basket/machine with compartments for darks, lights and whites and that washes them then and there, just by the adding of detergent and the touch of a button.
• A ‘Mission Impossible’-type mask with which to disguise my food so, for example, chocolate looks like cabbage and my kids won’t want to eat it.
• A self-cleaning house, obviously.
• The boobs of a nineteen year old.  To replace mine, I mean, not in a box or anything, that would just be weird.
• An intravenous drip that swaps automatically from coffee to wine at precisely seven o’clock each evening (five o’clock on Fridays).

Happy Friday everyone and MERRY CHRISTMAS!