Bleedin’ Bear Hunt
All our boys have teddies with which they sleep. The eldest’s is fine because when he gets up he leaves it in bed because it’s not ‘cool’ to keep it with him. Not the case with the other two, though. They need theirs surgically removing from them if we go out and carry them round the house with them, so every bedtime the teddies are lost and need to be found.
This is mine and my husband’s version of the children’s story, ‘We’re Going on a Bear Hunt’:
We’re going on a bleedin’ bear hunt (again)! We’re gonna catch both of ’em ‘cos Emmerdale’s on! I’m a bit p****d off that we’ve lost them again! Are you? Me too! We’re coming to a big pile of washing, It sure is high. It sure is wide. Let’s search through it (and screw up all the neatly folded clothes). Nothing under there (except a few bits of Lego). Look in the toy box instead. Hey! Wait! I think I see something. Quick! Everybody run down! (Just me and daddy then? It’s OK, kids, don’t put yourselves out. You just carry on watching TV, don’t mind us). We’re going on a bleedin’ bear hunt (again)! We’re gonna catch both of ’em ‘cos Emmerdale’s on! I’m a bit p****d off that we’ve lost them again! Are you? Me too! We’re looking under the settees (THAT’S where his bottle of juice is) We’re looking behind the settees (really must hoover behind there) Hey! look! No teddies but some paper clips, a crayon, a pound coin, a fridge magnet and a shrivelled up grape! Let’s stop looking before we find anything toxic! Whoa! It really is minging under there! See anything over that way? Uh oh! Just more crap! We’re going on a bleedin’ bear hunt (again)! We’re gonna catch both of ’em ‘cos Emmerdale’s on! I’m a bit p****d off that we’ve lost them again! Are you? Me too! Oh no! It’s a big puddle of wee. Can’t go around it, Gotta go right through it. Yeuk! Well, let’s go. Squish, squish, blaaahhh. We’re going on a bleedin’ bear hunt (again)! We’re gonna catch both of ’em ‘cos Emmerdale’s on! I’m a bit P****d off that we’ve lost them again! Are you? Me too! Arrgghh! Run! Everybody run!! I’ve seen the bears!!! Grab them! Don’t let them out of your sight! Grab the kids! Clean their teeth! Bath, pyjamas, Read a bedtime story, Two if they’re short ones! Forget the silly voices!! Straighten their duvets, Pick up their clothes, Quick! Fill their water bottles up, Make them have a wee, Give them kisses, Cover them up, tell them you love them, Leg it downstairs, Get the wine!!! Uh, it’s awful quiet around here. Don’t knock it. Top up? 🙂