Bah, Humbug

I’ve been shopping today for outfits that the boys can wear for Children in Need tomorrow.  Have I got into the spirit of things, raising money for charity and having ‘fun’ whilst doing it, I hear you ask?  No, I bloody well have not.

Can you even get spotty or Children in Need sponsored stuff for boys?  No; or if you can, it’s like panning for gold.  On the other hand, there is a vast array of bright Pudsey girls’ pyjamas, pretty Pudsey aprons and girly Pudsey shopping bags on offer.

Buy these for a seven year old boy, though, and you may as well buy him a ticket to be bullied mercilessly for the next three years, too.

So what have I done?  You mean, apart from nearly taking someone’s ankles out with the pram when they wouldn’t give way in town?

Maybe you mean when someone barged past me at Asda and I shouted loudly after them, ‘I think the words you’re looking for are ‘EXCUSE ME!’.

NOT the fierce glaring at a driver who beeped at me when we were in his way for twenty seconds whilst I was trying to strap our youngest in the car?

Oh, you mean, what did I BUY?

Well; for our youngest two I managed to get some blue Pudsey pyjamas (they’re young enough to get away with looking ‘cute’).  Then in pure desperation (and before I knocked someone out) I also got our eldest some pyjamas (red, though I’m pretty sure they’re for girls), some spotty socks, a Pudsey keyring and the piece de resistance: a Children in Need UMBRELLA! (Obviously I can now guarantee it won’t rain tomorrow).

Am I happy with my purchases?  No.  No, I am not.  My son is going to snort derisively at the idea of the pyjamas, however we try to disguise them or make them look ‘trendy’ under a trackie top or open shirt and the other stuff is, well – naff.

Returning home, thoroughly fed up after traipsing round for two hours, I rooted through his wardrobe and found his Angry Birds top.  It was at precisely this point, that I thought, ‘sod it’.  Does the ‘Angry Bird’ not have a round head?  One that could be mistaken for a BIG RED SPOT if you didn’t look too closely and the sun was shining in your eyes?  I know it’s grasping at straws but there are also a few white circles on it (snowflakes?) which sealed the deal (it wasn’t going to be difficult at this stage in the proceedings).

If he’s accused of ‘spotlessness’, he’ll just have to flash his ankles to reveal his socks.

Am I usually this miserable and uncharitable when I need to find fancy dress outfits for my children?  Yes.  Yes, I am.

Last year I read the enthusiastic letter about ‘Bible Day’ from school which informed me that ‘tea towels and old sheets make SUPER robes and head dresses’.  The enthusiasm was temporarily contagious and I felt foolishly optimistic.

I sat there, that sad, lonely day with my needle in hand and stripy belt, patterned tea towel and pale blue sheet at the ready.  It didn’t end well.  Let’s put it this way – the sheet became too blood-soaked to use and you wouldn’t have found any of the words coming out of my mouth in the Bible.

Did you know that Tesco do SUPER shpeherd’s costumes without you having to lift a single, perforated finger?  Well worth eight quid, if you ask me.

Maybe that’s why Christmas is my favourite celebration of the year.  It has nothing to do with the birth of Jesus, the giving and receiving of presents, the looks of excitement on children’s faces, the pretty decorations or any of that crap.

I like it because you don’t have to dress up.  And if you do, there’s always the trusty Santa hat and a bit of tinsel if you’re really desperate.  Bah, humbug, everyone! 🙂